Awkward and Wordy Sentences
12/22/2004

Many students are puzzled when they find the notation "awkward" or "wordy" on graded assignments.  Hopefully, this appendix will clear up some confusion, and offer some guidance about how to eliminate this problem from your writing.  First, what does it mean when phrasing is awkward or wordy?  Awkward phrasing is prose that is clumsily written, and therefore, confusing.  Wordy phrasing is prose that contains more words than are necessary to convey the idea, causing the reader to take more time than is necessary to follow your thoughts, and sometimes causing confusion.

I can offer you no magical formula for eliminating this problem from your writing.  There is no set number of words for a sentence, and the problem of awkward prose is so subtle that I can't simply explain rules to help you correct your faults.  Unlike, say, comma splices, there are no hard and fast rules for me to quote.  Instead, learning to eliminate awkward and wordy phrasing from your writing is a matter of learning to spot problem phrasing in the first place, and thinking about how you can better express yourself.

Needless to say, this takes practice, but can be done if you pay attention to your own writing and the writing of others.  Try to simplify your sentences.  What were you originally trying to say?  Who or what is the subject in the sentence?  Is the subject clear?  Is the verb clear?  In general, its a good idea to state things clearly, and to refrain from burying your ideas in long-winded introductory phrases, or to bog down ideas with needless modifiers.  Sometimes you will make the sentence considerably shorter, or even split it into two or three sentences.  And sometimes the sentence must be made longer to allow for further clarification.  Always proofread carefully.  Bad grammar and misused words needlessly confuse the reader and undermine the writer's credibility. Finally, try following these steps to clean up your writing.

Following is a collection of awkward and wordy sentences from past students.  See if you can state the ideas more concisely and clearly.  I've rephrased some of the first awkward and wordy sentences for you.  (The original sentences are in red, and my corrections are in italics.)   Of course, my way is not the only way to fix these sentences.  But you will notice that I have improved the sentences so they flow better and the main ideas are clear.

She has no reason to grieve in sorrow when she has no one to blame but herself.
She has no reason to complain since she herself is to blame.

Notice how we've shortened this sentence.  All of these modifiers are not necessary to get the point across.

Based on the fact that he is pessimistic and feels life is not worth it, he is forgetting about his loved ones whom he said he did not want to hurt.
The author's basic pessimism causes him to forget the very loved ones he said he didn't want to hurt.

Here's another sentence that we've shortened because all of those modifiers only clutter the sentence.  Phrases such as "the fact that" and "based on the fact that" and "due to the fact that" should nearly always be eliminated from your writing.  These are wordy phrases masquerading as erudite speech (perhaps slipping in the word "fact" is supposed to make it appear that the sentence is based on logic).  Generally a writer can substitute the word "because" for "the fact that" or "due to the fact that."

Though he is trying to argue that they do not have the right to say he cannot choose if he wants euthanasia, he does not have the right to tell his family they have suffered enough.
While the author has a right to argue that he has a right to choose euthanasia, he has no  right to determine that his family has endured enough because of his own suffering.

Again, we have shortened this sentence to improve clarity.

For example, people sometimes get so angry that they would like to take someone else's life and murder them.
Sometimes people become angry enough to contemplate murder.

Here we have eliminated redundant phrasing.  "Taking someone's life" and "murdering them" mean the same thing.  No need to say this twice.

After reading this statement, I interpreted that civil rights and the hiring policy should not be taken in the consideration for the hiring of homosexuals.
This statement seems to imply that employment discrimination based on sexual preference is not a violation of one's civil rights.

Here's another streamlined sentence.

Well, all the civil rights cases concerning African Americans was based on allowing blacks to become part of the modern lifestyle.
Civil rights lawsuits concerning African Americans were brought in order to allow blacks to fully participate in American society.

This sentence had to be streamlined and have its grammar corrected too.  The original version had a subject verb agreement error.  It seems as if the original sentence was so tangled that the writer wasn't certain if the subject was singular or plural.

Many men were taught that this was not masculine of them.
Many men were taught that this behavior was not masculine.

Here too wordiness was eliminated.

For example, a person who has many problems, such as financial issues, can't exactly practice euthanasia.
For example, a terminally ill person under financial strain cannot possibly make an uncoerced decision to end his/her life.

This sentence was so tangled, its meaning so unclear, that it had to be completely rewritten.

Euthanasia should be under strict conditions and supervision of medical personnel.
Euthanasia should only be allowed under the supervision of medical personnel, who are themselves bound by strict guidelines.

This sentence was rewritten to clarify what should be under the strict supervision of medical personnel, and who should be bound by strict guidelines.

People make choices every day that put their lives in jeopardy where death can occur.
People make choices every day that put their lives in jeopardy.

Here we've eliminated the phrase "where death can occur" because it is redundant.  To put one's life in jeopardy means that there is a possibility of death.

Everyone portrays a unique situation and no religion or law can say what is appropriate for every woman.
Every woman has a unique situation, and no religion or law can saw what is appropriate for all.

This sentence has been streamlined to improve clarity.  I have also eliminated the word "portrays."  To "portray" means to represent.  However, this word has crept in to colloquial English, and many students use it to indicate a general condition of being.  This colloquial usage is incorrect.

To take the side that they did the writers of this article should have given better solutions to these very serious problems.
The writers failed to provide workable solutions to these serious problems, and their failure was particularly galling given their position on the issue.

This sentence was clarified by beginning with the main point.

This statement is not very influential because he gives no evidence that this statement is true.
This statement is not very convincing because the author fails to provide any supporting evidence.

This sentence was cleaned up by eliminating unnecessary words and using more precise language.

If you are someone who struggles to eliminate awkward and wordy phrasing from your writing, visit the Writing Center in the basement of Coates Hall for more help.